The Crude Truth About Oil

The dirty hippies of Oslo think "The Crude Truth About Oil" is that it is bad. In fact, our reviewer reveals, oil is a force for good.

The Crude Truth About Oil, by Thea-Sophie van Schlanbusch-Eissenhover
Ecological Publishing Co-operative of Christiania, 452 pp, 1495kr, February 2018

The sun sets pinkly over the rugged green mosses of our beloved home island, catching briefly in the sensual curves of the fisheries, dancing and glancing across the impressionistic rainbow-coloured mosaic that floats ephemerally atop the waves and leaves artful inkblots among the flora and fauna, darting playfully between the legs of those noble Colossi we know as Rigs, resting finally in the home and hearth of the patriotic families of (to lift some well-chosen words from the poem by poet Bjørnstjerne Bjørnson) this "rugged, storm-scarred" nation and its "thousand" homes.

But all the myopic Thea-Sophie van Schlanbusch-Eissenhover can see through her bifocal lenses and the stench of her kombucha is the "destruction" of the "environment" by "Big Oil."

There seems to be a belief among the so-called educated elite that scientic evidence suffices to prove that petroleum is harmful and destructive to the great Motherland. Like the "worm" from which it clearly takes its name, the great Global Wørming Hoax has burrowed into the minds of the Easterners and left its sickly trail of half-digested detritus there.

The Eastern viewpoint is, of course, insanity. These so-called educated so-called Academics conduct their so-called academic research by the light produced from said refineries, powered by the fuel that we Sons of Dovre extract from these exalted seas. Hypocrisy, thy name is Thea-Sophie van Schlanbusch-Eissenhover!

If oil were "bad", why would oil companies pay such high wages to the vast majority of their workers? If oil is "a force for evil", how does van Schlanbusch-Eissenhover explain the fact that the oil industry has contributed more than 14,000 billion kroner to Norway's GDP? If oil is "damaging to the environment", then why does it occur naturally? Even so-called scientists agree that oil is an organic product, created and recreated from the recycled remains of plants and animals. Of course, van Schlanbusch-Eissenhover doesn't even attempt to answer any of these important questions. The reason? She, and the rest of her ilk, have no answers.

In conclusion, not a single word of her latest attempt at a "book" is worth the PETROLEUM that pulped the trees that made the paper it was printed on.

NOTE: due to an administrative error, the reviewer of this book had not yet received a copy of it at press time.